It’s the way you make me feel

That was a poppy song I forgot from what the name of the band is. Those times when I still actively listened to English stations, I’m just too lazy to tune in these days.

These days...I really wanna give my gals a hug. Fyn, Von and Irene especially. I know they care a lot, so much that I feel useless for bothering them with what seems such a useless and stupid problem.
I just wanna say that my life is made wonderful, cos’ of you people.

The way you make me feel…I thought that’s so vital between 2 souls.
It is the feel that makes me decide should I love you or not. It is the feel that you and I can’t help and it is the feel that is seem predestined.

I talked a lil to that guy again (for work). I dunno if I was gushing a lil because of his good looks (He is just so shy, just so like the Ronald I know initially.) or I thought I was talking to Ronald ? Maybe both, I won’t be surprised. Must I be blamed if I look upon that guy for someone else? All along, I was wishing so badly for just another chance to speak to ‘him’, befriend ‘him’ and it is almost like I am just given a chance to make up what I had lost.
I was a lil’ “wrecked” when I heard Hender had thoughts to place him out for temp assignments (as long as his internship here) cos’ he looks so bored and nothing to do here.
I wanted to laugh cynically. What a joke, what a joke! Why is it like this? But putting that emotion aside, I was kinda relieved though. You know, that tension of opposite feel?

So maybe it is not just all about Ronald. (or that intern. I dun wanna name him. He shouldn’t be name here. He is not the direct party involved and naming him is just so unfair..to him.) It is about me.

I always tell Jason…I love him because the way he loves me. That is the reason that I gave him why I love him? That is the sickest reason for anyone to hear but I believe I hadn’t quite denied that in the first place.

Love to me is NOT a tool, contrary to some cynics’ beliefs. I am not using Jason’s love for me as a tool for anything at all. For coming to 4 years, I believed I have given too. (Even though compared to Jason’s, mine is just perhaps a half filled cuppa.)

These days, there are so many times I wish to just go on trying. Ronald is NOT here afterall and that intern can NEVER be Ronald. He is not here today and today why not I love Jason?
Is that right?
That would perhaps save some troubles and pain right now but is that right?

That was what I did all along? And I know this is not the way to go on anymore. I can try for another 4 years and what happened now may still take place eventually. Would I then realized that I still don’t love him enough and still break his heart again?
And if I realized, Jason gave me a chance to try doing that night this and this is what happened still.

Is it just the problem of discontentment or is it the problem with the love you have? Love, perhaps has no wrong and made no mistake. The mistake made was by the choice and the faith you have.

My faith for my choice of love was too strong as contrast to the faith for choosing to be in a relationship with Jason, believing love can be built up.
Maybe I am not in the stage/age to realize that love can be accumulative and is a habit yet.

My love was always ignited by a crush, a series of events that seem so heart tugging, making you believing that you guys were meant to be like those plots you seem and read so many times, and my feelings for those stayed the strongest, the longest.

I don’t want to put anymore explanations in this theory. Let’s just end it with ..what’s that word..something like karma, fate or whatever. If you realized, some people always end up with the wrong loves, some always hurt themselves, some always made use of others, some trapped in loneliness and some, simply bliss.
Maybe I belong to those types that will not be blessed to be with the ones that I fell hard for.

You can tell me if I already know this, why not be with the ones that love me? And in this case, Jason. I can tell you, these nights, so many times…I just want to pretend nothing happened. I wanna slipped back to the comfort of his love. I wanna to have someone to love me and Jason is that person for these 46 months.

As much as I wanted to do all that, I ask myself…
Can you then promise not to let Ronald or infact anyone else affect this decision? What happened if you found someone that caught your heart again?(And not ended up with?) If you can’t be so sure, why don’t you let Jason find someone new? Someone that deserves him and you know you don’t.

I can’t say I will be happier for sure. Jason’s wish is for me to be happy and he will do anything (even letting me go) for me to be happy.
I can’t say I can give him anything now or maybe in the future?

I thought a lot about this.
To love him is for him to be happy. And for him to be happy is my happiness and stop hurting him. It goes one round after another.

If I choose…You know it won’t be right.
You know that by giving me another chance might bring another ‘today’ again.
I may not be able to bring myself to hurt you more.

Jason…Can you choose?

If you have chosen to go on, would you be able to take another blow?
If you have chosen to give up, would you be happy…for me?

I hate to leave you but I dunno already if it is you or your love that I can’t leave.

I am sorry for the way I made you feel..now.